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Just What I Needed
There are some morning that I wake up and it seems, before my head ever leaves the pillow or my feet even touch the floor, that my flesh is a roaring lion and my spirit is a meek little mouse. Today is one of those days.
This morning old battles, that I thought were long won, have risen up to be fought again. Loneliness. Jealously. Insecurity. Blatant lies. Today these are the voices I am hearing screaming in my head, and the Holy Spirit is like a whisper, overcome by the raging lion of my flesh.
To put it plainly, and to give you a brief glimpse into the ridiculousness of the enemy's schemes, today I have these thoughts running consistently through my mind. "Your life would be so much better if you were just thin and pretty. If you were really pretty and really thin, you would have more friends. You wouldn't be sitting here, at your kitchen table, surrounded by housework that needs to be done and laundry that needs to be put away, looking at a floor that needs to be mopped, if you were thin and pretty. Someone would be calling you and wanting to spend time with you today, if you were thin and pretty."
Thin and pretty. That's a really old battle for me. And one that I thought I had victory over a very long time ago.
But this morning it is alive and fighting. And so far, it is winning.
So I am returning to the keep. I am taking shelter in the fortress of His word, and my journal (because, my dear sisters, that's really what this blog is.) And here is where I will take my stand.
Psalm 139
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from His Spirit? If I settle into my loneliness and depression, He is there. If I make my bed in insecurity and self-loathing, He is there. If I run into self-centeredness and selfishness, His hand will guide me out again, His hand will hold me fast.
Even if I cloak myself in the dark lies of the enemy, and wrap myself in fear and pain, His love will shine like light for me - showing me the way out again, revealing the darkness for the pitiful joke that it is! Even my darkest thoughts are as light to Him, because He is so great! So light! So amazing!
This past week at Bible study my dear friend Judy shared with us that God wanted us to 'Step on the ANTs.' By ANTs, she meant Any Negative Thought. She could see us, with our feet stomping, putting to death ANY negative thought that came our way. That is a challenge for me. ANY negative thought? How about MOST of them? I can stomp on MOST. But ANY? Is that even practical?
To Him, it is.
Because He doesn't live in the darkness. He doesn't live in the depths. But when we do, He will come to find us, and bring us out again. His will for us is not to live in the negative and black places of our thoughts, but to let His light shine like the sun, in our minds and hearts and emotions.
And even as I sit here, typing and trying to put on my ANT stomping shoes, the phone rings. And it is my dear Sister for Real Mary Jane, asking if I am free to grab a cup of coffee in an hour. And God, my loving, merciful and abundant God, has just reached into my depths and given me a Hand to hold onto to find my way to the light again. Which was just what I needed, and exactly what He promises in His word.
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Cory
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